


A Katsudon for Two

by koi_ling



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Bisexual Yuuri, Dancer!Victor, Domestic Fluff, Drag Queen Chris, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Gay Victor, M/M, Slow Burn, The Katsukis are full of love but Yuuri can't see it, also, cook!Yuuri, i'll just tag when i can function, the Katsukis want Yuuri to be happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-13 04:32:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9106720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koi_ling/pseuds/koi_ling
Summary: Yuuri wakes up with a headache and a new boyfriend.(an AU in which Yuuri and Victor pretend to be dating because Yuuri's mom is too worried about her son staying solo for his whole life)





	1. Katsukis’ Genes: Bad ADHs and Blackouts

**Author's Note:**

> I usually never excuse myself for my poor English, I try my best even if it’s not my mother tongue, but this time I feel quite pressured by the size of this fandom >-< I also feel the fic would have been funnier or less corny if written by someone with a better use of the language, but… anyway, this is it. I hope you enjoy it! I’m sorry my English is off or not that up-to-date sometimes. And I will try my best to complete this.

Yuuri’s head is pounding quite painfully when the phone rings for the fourth time that morning. He has been trying to ignore it with all his might – throwing his pillow to the approximate direction of his phone has been rather ineffectual – but, despite the feel he’ll regret it later, he can’t cope up with that annoying sound trilling somewhere slightly above his right ear. 

He fishes for the devil’s machine and takes a hold of it with a victorious imprecation. He struggles to keep his eyes open enough to see the screen and notices there is a flood of WhatsApp notifications, which he instinctually skims as he clicks on Phichit’s chat first.

_09:23 Yuuuuuri! ^O^_

_09:58 Yuuri._

_10:20 Yuuri!!! Wake up_

_10:44 You’ve gotta tell me what happened last night!_

_10:44 What did you tell him??_

_10:45 Stop ignoring me, Katsuki Yuuri!_

_11:31 Yuuuuuri, why do you always sleep through all the most important moments of your life >:( _

Well, that is fairly dramatic. And completely obscure. What Phichit is even talking about, Yuuri wonders. He starts having doubts about last night because he just woke up and yet it feels like a train ran over his dead body a few times (a hundred) and his liver has decided to go on strike, probably too fed up with the treatment Yuuri is giving it lately.

Note to self: never drink again. Ever. Ever, ever. Not even if Phichit is begging you not to ruin all the fun. Not even if you feel inadequate and socially awkward with your own co-workers. Never, ever again.

Yuuri then goes to the group chat he and Phichit share with their colleagues, Phichit being mysteriously dramatic even there, but he’s not the only one this time. The Russian guy, Georgi, has spammed their chat with a bunch of photos of dogs snuggling together and fluffy kittens licking at each other’s fur, asking for an ounce of a love like that in his miserable life. 

_“And Yuuri is now laughing at my despair too”_ , he concludes, which makes Yuuri burst into laughter because it’s well known that he’s historically single since the day he was born, but poor Georgi has a liking for melodrama and must have had one too many drinks last night.

Yuuri wishes he could actually have a better recall of their night out, but after the few cocktails he shared with his co-workers, only a flash of him complaining about his parents crosses his blank mind. It’s true that his mood wasn’t the best last night, given all the worries that his mother put on him, but sadly he always has such black outs if he drinks too much too fast. Damned Katsukis’ genes, always there to provide gross and awkward situations when alcohol is involved.

He scrolls down to the few messages he hasn’t checked and there is one from a contact he doesn’t remember having, a certain **hotbot**. Yuuri tries to figure out who the hell he is but the display picture shows an overly enthusiastic poodle, so, unless he has exchanged his number with a dog, that’s not who wrote him.

_10:40 Hey, good morning. I thought about it and sure, I’ll do it. We should meet like promised, then? 12:30 at Luigi’s will do, won’t it? I think it’ll be hard to be there earlier._

12:30… today? With… _hotbot_? The panic rising in his veins, Yuuri has a last moment of clarity and reasons that hotbot might stand for “hot boy” (or “hotpot”, but he’d gladly prefer the former), because you can always count on typos when you’re wasted as fuck, but – what the hell was he thinking last night? 

Typing requires all his self-control and it’s a task that has suddenly increased to infinite difficulty, but he manages despite the fact that Yuuri is quite sure he’s having a heart attack. And he’s now deserving of the Queen of Melodrama Award they usually reserve for Georgi, without any further doubt.

_11:42 Phichit, I think I’ve got a date._

_11:42 With a stranger who has my number. And I have theirs._

_11:42 A guy, probably._

_11:44 He might be hot._

The waiting is killing Yuuri and he almost wants to rush Phichit to type a bit faster, but he stops when the answers start popping up.

_11:45 Oh yeah, it’s clearly a guy ^3^/_

_11:45 And he’s hot! Extremely._

_11:46 You should go to that date or else… ^O^_

_11:46 I mean, I can still remind you of all those times you actually wanted to have a real date that wasn’t just casual sex with people._

_11:47 Or repeat your mother’s words again ^^ I have them imprinted in my brain._

_11:47 Just. Go!!! Please, please, Yuuri._

That’s even more dramatic than all the other texts summed up, because Phichit is using emojis just to pretend he’s being nice and when Phichit is serious (which happens one every thousand full moons) it’s better do as he likes. It’s a rare sight to witness, one Yuuri can’t forget, but it’s always the happiest warmest people who become scarily cold when angered.

Yuuri is sure that Phichit has reached his limits after the many times Yuuri has crossed the line with his complaints about being single (which would be definitely less consistent if it wasn’t for his family), and he fears yesterday night was the last straw he needed to make up his mind. 

Sadly, for Yuuri it has never worked, no matter how much he tried. Maybe he isn’t meant to have more than one night stands, fleeting emotions and short-lived attractions, and nothing deeper than an empty “I like you” in the shell of his ear that would dissolve when the sun rises. 

    _11:52 It’ll be fine, you know. I assure you. Don’t stress yourself over small things. This could be your opportunity to be happy. Just go, it’ll be ok. You’ll charm your way to his heart._

_11:53 And if you don’t we can always shit talk about him later~ I’ll ready the ice cream ;)_

Or maybe Yuuri reads too much in everything and should trust his best friend a little more, for once. He sighs helplessly, admitting that he should stop anxiety talking in his place. He then notices that it’s almost 12 am and he doesn’t have much time left to reach Luigi’s. 

Yuuri has no time to pick his outfit carefully and wears the first pair of jeans he finds in the riotous chaos of his room, luckily grabbing a clean shirt to pair it with. He tousles his hair in the lift, using the mirror to make a sense of that mess, and nearly bumps in someone as he rushes to Luigi’s. He doesn’t even know why he’s taking this matter so close to heart, but when he reaches the place he’s undoubtedly out of breathe. 

Once settled down, he looks around, searching for someone that reminds him of last night. There aren’t many clients inside the cosy tavern and only a pair talking to each other at the door, and none of them sparks the smallest hint of recognition in his mind. 

What the hell did Yuuri do, last night? His head aches as he tries to remember – it was such a mess, he felt so hot, his cheeks burning for the alcohol, sweats dampening his forehead, him pulling his hair back because he hates when his fringe sticks onto the skin – he remembers the joy of feeling so free and disinhibited, without any worry, and be damned his Katsuki genes, that’s how far he can recall. 

“Yuuri?” 

He jolts in surprise at his name on stranger lips and turns to look at his mysterious date, his knees going weak in an instant. He kind of reminds that face, the blurred version of it, nothing compared to the solid reality of such beauty bathed in sunlight: he’s taller than him, gracefully lean and yet quite firm, his hair silver in the sun, his eyes blue like the sky above, his smile all for Yuuri. 

“Hello, my boyfriend”, he meowls enthusiastically and Yuuri just loses it. 


	2. The Damsel in Distress and The Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year to everyone! Thank you for all the kudos despite the short first chapter ♥

Katsuki Yuuri, twenty-three years old, of average height and weight oscillating between very nicely fit to slightly too chubby for his liking, is quite content with his life. There is nothing lacking in flavour, if not maybe a pepper of self-confidence and bravado. (Phichit keeps insisting that he needs to spice his life up to enjoy it at its fullest, but Yuuri doesn’t listen). He has much more than what others can claim to have at his age: an occupation he likes with a good pay, a ~~claustrophobic~~ small apartment and a dog to pet and hug, named Vicchan by his sister after much struggling. He also has a great agenda he sticks to without exceptions: two alarms at dawn to run few blocks with Vicchan, work later in the morning at “Il paradiso di Celestino” until it’s past dinner time, then another walk with Vicchan around the city quietly falling asleep before their eyes.

That hour of the night is always his favourite, biting gusts of wind keeping him wide awake and Vicchan strolling by his side without any hurry. The city looks different when it lies still in the wake of darkness. All the lights are on and show a whole new profile hidden beneath the one they’re used to, and it’s always refreshing to see it.

He’s happy of his colleagues too, even if he wonders how they can actually fit so well despite being such a heterogeneous group. Georgi and his daily melodramas, the guy who expresses himself with his whole body as he narrates his emotions through food; there is not a moment when he’s entirely calm and Yuuri has yet to see him totally satisfied with himself. Otabek, his exact contrary, a stoic teenager at the end of the food chain that always follows the orders without a complaint, his hands soaked in soap and water for all the dishes he washes; he doesn’t talk much but Yuuri has noticed how he takes mental notes for everything they do in their kitchen, compiling a list of recipes he’ll perform one day. Phichit, of course, and his constant bubbly persona that is able to make Yuuri feel better even in his lowest moments; he’s a natural force made of smiles and cheers that he naturally offers to everyone he meets, and his food has a certain quality in it that Yuuri can only define as “being partly sunshine partly rainbow”, just like Phichit. And last, Celestino Cialdini. He is the chef and chief of their brigade. Yuuri knows that he can be much harsher than his manners would give out; despite being famously outgoing and known for talking no-stop, he is also always fully in charge and aware of everything going on in his kitchen.

Everything fits perfectly, Yuuri thinks ( _like a very boring picture that doesn’t catch the eye_ , he doesn’t say). He likes it quiet, he feels safe in it. And he likes to be in control of his life, so he shouldn’t complain for when everything runs smoothly.

Yet he knows that’s just a side of the coin and not the entire truth. There is always life in deep waters, even when the surface is as flat as glass; and sometimes his feelings aren’t as in order as he wants them to be. There are things that prickle at him, things that he can’t put aside even if he’d love to. He’s still not perfectly fine with himself being just the uneventful Katsuki Yuuri, as he dreams of something way more unique; or with Katsuki Yuuri, the heir of Yu-topia, as if there is no scope for changes or escape routes; and again, Yuuri the guy that is socially awkward most of the times, unless he’s in the safe bubble with his few friends.

He still has so much to do to grow up in a person that can stand on his own two feet. That stubbornness in shaping his life just the way he wants has led Yuuri not to accept his fate so easily. Instead of ending up trapped in Yu-topia just because he’ll inherit one day, he opted for a rougher start in cuisine. No matter how much he loves his family and their food, he has to choose for himself. So he cooks Italian. And has his small, the smallest, apartment. And a dog to keep him company when he feels suddenly too lonely in this big never-stopping world – it’s hard to follow the pace he sets for himself and sometimes Yuuri just wants a break, a stop where to rest and embrace himself, every loose end, every straw going askew, and pull all those pieces together. He is doing extremely fine, he thinks, despite the pressure he imposes on himself; he’s doing great, despite the anxiety that sometimes eats him alive. He somehow copes. And is content of what he has chosen to have for himself.

 

Or he would be, _content_ , if it wasn’t for the weekly family meeting. Every Sunday they have lunch together and it’s mostly fun, really, because Yuuri adores them and they adore him too, but it’s still unbearable when his parents ask for something out of his agenda. It’s something that doesn’t have any open spot between his walk with Vicchan and the extra-packed hours at work. Even if it tries to squeeze in, there is no room for it.

They are supportive of him, in the best ways. They didn’t speak a word against his choice when he decided to learn how to make pasta instead of noodles, and use olive oil instead of soy sauce. And yet, his mother can’t help but worry for his personal life too. She wants him to fall in love once and live the feel she and his dad shared, such a grand and strong sentiment that led them to a quick marriage to cover up her pregnancy. And that’s something so out of the question that Yuuri doesn’t even know how to meet that request.

Love is not something that just happens to people like other things do, it’s not something Yuuri can make work just by being himself. It doesn’t knock at his door like any other emotion. Yuuri has crushes he thinks they might deepen but never develop, he has fleeting attractions to people he meets here and there, he is not blind to beauty at all, but that’s not what his mother is talking about. The momentary lust he has shared with random people he slept with during the years are nothing but small sparks, and she’s all about fire that last until nothing is left unblemished.

Yuuri has no idea what love truly is, how it works its magic, how it makes humans mean something more than their blood and flesh. Sometimes he wonders if he’s weird for being just too obtuse and unfeeling, sometimes he consoles himself by thinking that when it happens he’ll know for sure. Like some sort of striking difference, a certain clumsiness around someone that’s all because he likes them and not just because he’s Yuuri.

Yet, it stresses him more than anything else, all his other problems minimal compared to this. It feels like it’s casting a long big shadow on his perfectly planned life, an uncertainty he can’t control. His parents won’t be satisfied until they’re sure he’s happy, no matter how much he tries to tell them that he’s fine by his own, he’s content with what he has and what he has achieved. And sometimes he admits that even _he_ has some expectations about his love life, and that doesn’t feel quite right.

So, Yuuri accepts Phichit’s invitation to a dinner out, which ends up with him and his co-workers getting wasted in few rounds. He swallows the alcohol Phichit and the others hand him, that Sunday night, and tries to forget about it. He just doesn’t want to think. At all. He’s content with the life he has.

 

*

“So you’re a cook”, Victor muses and Yuuri wonders why there is a certain amusement in his voice. A glint of playfulness crosses his eyes, and Yuuri just _aches_ at how blue they are. “And you have no idea why we’re here, don't? you”

“W-well”, he’s caught off guard and fumbles with the knife in his right hand, tracing small circles in the soft fabric of the tablecloth. “You’re completely right. I just… I just can’t recall the past few hours, I’m completely blank about last night”. And Victor should fill in, he doesn’t say, his eyes casted down as he can’t hold the stare the stranger ~~(his boyfriend?)~~ gives him.

They’re sitting at a small table for two, white linen clothing the dark wood, a small bowl with peonies as centrepiece. Yuuri has just found out that this Greek God is actually Russian and named Victor Nikiforov, and he’s doing perfectly fine. Phichit would be proud of him for not panicking even once, though his cheeks have reddened already in general embarrassment.

“So you have no idea why I called you _my boyfriend_?”, he stresses those two words with a joyful lilt of his voice, the amused look on his face becoming more and more smug with time. “How sad, we promised each other we would stay together forever! You told me you’d cook for me until we’re tremendously old and I’d knit you fluffy sweaters with very long sleeves to pair with mine…”

He trails off, his eyes still on Yuuri and Yuuri is not just panicking. Not yet. Never mind. He’s completely freaking out and he needs Phichit to solve the situation with his talent for handling with noisy problems like this one.

“Erm- I… I”. How did Yuuri actually manage to make him his boyfriend? That makes no sense at all, not even in the lousiest scenario of those TV soap operas his mother secretly loves. No way would he get the Victor of the situation, not in a thousand years.

“I’m kidding”, Victor chuckles so effortlessly, not very dignified as he hides his small beautiful laugh in his hand. Yuuri can’t help the smile. “Though you did promise you would cook for me, that’s part of the agreement”.

Yuuri wants to ask him what does he mean with that but he’s interrupted by the arrival of their waiter, someone he knows way to well for his liking. Michele Crispino, heir of Luigi Crispino’s tavern, that very place where he and his improbable boyfriend are going to break up after few hours of haziness. It’s a cosy and homey restaurant ran by his Italian family since 1923, like their signboard says, one of Yuuri’s favourite despite Michele. He’s way too straightforward for him, but you get used to it, especially after working under Celestino.

“Here to spy your enemy, Yuuri? Or to steal my sister once more?”, Michele speaks loudly as usual, handing them two handwritten menus. Yuuri’s trained eyes naturally dart to read the speciality of the day, momentarily oblivious of the situation he’s in.

“We’re on a date here”, Victor doesn’t forget to remind him as he winks at Michele and Yuuri feels himself blushing from head to toes. There is something way too smooth in the way Victor say those words that just get to him – get through his skin and coil underneath, scorching. He needs to calm down.

“I had no idea, my bad. Well, Sala is not here anyways”, he grins more confidently and leaves them to their menus without further hassle. Yuuri waits for Michele to be far enough not to eavesdrop before blurting out the pressing question: “Just tell me about last night. Are you really my… my… boyfriend?”

It sounds so wrong.

“Kinda”, Victor giggles enigmatically before getting suddenly serious, his face turning completely as the tinge of amusement leaves him. “Well, ok, I shouldn’t stretch it too far… you did ask me to be your boyfriend. And I did accept”.

Yuuri can’t even picture himself mustering up the courage to talk to such a handsome guy, never mind asking him out, not even in his wildest dreams. And actually getting so seriously engaged in a matter of few hours? That’s just crazy. “I… _did_ -?”

Victor leans in on the table, a secretive grin on his lips. “Yes,” he whispers and Yuuri has to bend forward to catch his words. “But because you said you needed someone to fool your family and you’d cook for me to literally buy your freedom – and well, despite all appearances I do have some flaws, I’m a horrible cook – and you were asking so cutely, I couldn’t refuse such a sweetheart, that wouldn’t be fair… then I accepted, I had to. Chivalry is not dead after all”.

“So you are...”

“Your personal faux-boyfriend, at your service”, Victor chirps playfully, clasping Yuuri’s hand resting on the table and intertwining their fingers just as if they were truly dating. He smiles that smile of his, and Yuuri prays his heart to be still because he's far from used to such effortless beauty and it just hurts.

When Victor tilts his head just a tad closer to his, Yuuri jumps backward, suddenly aware of their proximity, but Victor tugs at his hand to make him bend forward once more. “You’ll ruin our cover, _dorogoy_ ”.

Well, he’ll clearly play the part perfectly. Yuuri is not so sure about himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Il paradiso di Celestino” literally means Celestino’s heaven. All I know about professional kitchens is thanks to Ratatouille and Oh My Ghostess, so it’s very little. But trust me on Italian food at least.  
> P.S: I really love Yuuri. That russian is googled so it's probably very wrong.


	3. Are you a Darcy, a Wickam or simply a Collins?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just imagine Phichit being a fanboy in every possible AU but don’t judge me if he drools over Pride and Prejudice. He’s a romantic child who was probably brought up with romantic novels.

“Tell me all about it!” Phichit welcomes him at the door, his arm wrapping around Yuuri’s without giving him the time to get rid of his parka or actually avoid the trap Phichit just set. He still has to decide whether he will follow through with Victor’s yesterday suggestion or not, but he opts for being partially honest as Phichit manhandles him and drags him to the restaurant storeroom.

The smell of oranges and fresh bread is in the air, mixed to the stronger fragrance of parmesan cheese. The shelves are packed with food Yuuri is used to handle, each ingredient known by his hands as well as his memory, and that makes him feel at ease at once. He leans against the closest wall and stares at Phichit with newfound confidence.

“So, how is he? As fancy as he looks? He certainly looks much better than the average barista, doesn’t he?” He was the _barista_ , then. Yuuri vaguely remembers checking him out when they entered the pub, the scene fuzzy in his mind, already clouded by the first round they had at Georgi’s place. “I had to come up with a nickname but I could only think of Mr. Darcy despite the fact he probably doesn’t have ten thousand a year”.

“Every handsome man is Mr. Darcy for you”, Yuuri deadpans. Victor is handsome – the breath-taking kind of handsome, the kind you find in mags instead of behind a counter and that dates a celebrity instead of Katsuki Yuuri – and way too talkative and friendly to be anything like Phichit’s fantasy. “And he is not the brooding type. Pining in secret doesn’t suit him”.

Phichit’s jaw is hung open, his eyes filled with a fire Yuuri should have learnt to fear. But still. “You shouldn’t settle down for a Wickam, you know! Lizzie, it’s always the easy type that leads to disappointment”. 

“He is not going to break my heart!”, Yuuri yelps in frustration and stares at his best friend with a tinge of impatience. He thinks of yesterday’s meeting, being overwhelmed by the amount of words Victor manages to churn out, his hand wound around Yuuri’s, the way Yuuri couldn’t help but tense at the idea of being with him. Despite his usual reserved self, Victor was… “He’s really nice. Talks way too much. Yes, sometimes his words can sound a little empty, I guess? But he’s very forward”.

“Oh”, Phichit’s pout turns into a grin, all warm and wicked and Yuuri realises his mistake at once.

“Not in that sense, Chulanont, what the hell are you thinking! He’s just so… so…”, Yuuri tries to convey what Victor is with words but fails. He’s left an impression on him, one he can’t define. Being with him felt like too much, yet quite not enough, just like Yuuri felt he wasn’t comfortable enough to be with him, yet he found himself enjoying being in his company. “He’s so different? We’re completely opposite: he clearly doesn’t know how to feel awkward or what personal space is… I bet he’ll get tired in no time”.

“Oh”, Phichit’s face shows all his sudden frustration and sadness, and Yuuri is not surprised when he grabs his shoulder and presses his fingers into his skin. “Damn, Yuuri, don’t beat yourself down like you do all the time. It just started. It’ll be different this time, I’m sure, he did accept to go on a date with you after all. It must count for something, especially after the scene you made the other night”.

 _If only you knew_ – but something stops Yuuri from saying the truth. Somehow he would become even more pathetic that he already is. He giggles nervously, breathless at the lie he’s saying. “It’s ok. I’ll be fine. You can’t expect much from a relationship that started in a pub… one I can’t even remember how it started, to be honest”.

“You don’t recall?!” At that he literally facepalms and sighs at loud. Dear, dearest Phichit. 

“You know, me and alcohol.”

“Right, you and alcohol. How stupid of me. Well”, he chuckles at Yuuri’s bashful smile, “You were so wasted, Yuuri, I feared you would make a mistake of this sort… if you don’t feel like it’s gonna last, maybe you should just stop trying. I’m sure Mr. Wickam will understand”.

“Why was he declassed to Mr. Wickam? I promise, he was seriously nice and charming and so… flamboyant and… very, very wonderful. And we’re kinda together, by the way”.

“YOU! You keep stressing me out all the time and _you two are together?_ ” Yuuri makes an apologetic smile and Phichit grins back without any other reproach. “I just knew no one is strong enough to resist that kind of attack”.

“What did I even do?”

“Well, you sorta climbed on him like he was some sort of tree. A handsome tall tree”.

Yuuri just chokes.

“But, uhm, he was very gentle, he was the one who let you go behind the counter in the first place – I mean, it was a bet, you managing to go behind the counter after flirting with the pretty barista, I’m sure you don’t remember, you needed the fun after…” Open air quotes “the two hours of complaints about your mother worrying you’ll die alone on Vicchan and you explaining in detail that you’re a perfectly able adult who can take care of himself and enjoy solitude. Right.” Closes air quotes. 

Yuuri can’t even speak at the thought of it. He just mumbles something helpless and seeks for refuge in the flour aisle. Maybe he’ll drown in 00 flour and stop his uselessly dramatic life.

“I was totally stunned you were so good at flirting, alcohol really is the ultimate weapon for someone like you. You were just so brilliant, Yuuri, of course before climbing on him”.

“W-what did I… did I even do?”

“You just talked afterwards. For a very long time. He took a break and you sat at a table not far from us and... I have no idea what you two talked about, honestly. I kept my eyes on you to check you weren’t doing anything _inappropriate_ to him, poor lad, but you just kept blabbing around. And he listened. Didn’t he tell you anything yesterday?”

“Not that much... just that he’ll be my boyfriend”.

Phichit’s squeal is unhuman. 

*

Victor is nice – the heart-warming way of being nice, Yuuri thinks, all smiles and random compliments he makes when he finds out how good that tavern is. Yuuri is a cook, after all. Even when drunk, he’ll pick great places. 

“Gosh, I never had such a delicious carbonara. It’s magic, you are fantastic, Yuuri”, the way he slurs and drags his name on his tongue makes Yuuri blush a tad more, something tingling inside him. “I did well, accepting this offer. We’ll be a great couple. I’m a terrible cook but I eat so well”.

“You really do”, Yuuri says without looking at him, fork turning aimlessly in his half-filled plate. He pretends he doesn’t see the beam on Victor’s face.

“Don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell it’s fake and it’ll work”, Victor suggests out of the blue and Yuuri almost chokes on his penne. “That way it’ll be easier to pretend it’s real. You did seem pretty desperate the other night, you know. Is your family that bad?”

“They’re overbearing”, Yuuri tries to swallow the mouthful of pasta al pesto stuck in his throat. “With love, really, it’s all about that, I couldn’t ask for a more perfect family”.

“I never knew you could be that desperate when love is involved… but then again, we end up doing fool things for the people we love, right? Even faking we’re happy to not make them worry”. Victor says that without stopping smiling, yet he seems suddenly different. Older, or just of his age. Yuuri follows his movements as he sweeps clean the last chops of bacon in his plate, neatly, bit by bit. He looks unreasonably lonely.

“Are you ok?”, Yuuri blurts out before realising it might be too indiscrete of him. They’re strangers, after all. Play-pretend boyfriends. Yuuri doesn’t even know how old Victor is, when it’s his birthday, what does he do in his life besides being a barista. He’ll find out eventually, he guesses.

He has already decided, he realizes. He’s really going to do this and he’s not even sure why. 

Victor lights up in another smile. “Of course I am”, he beams, “I have never eaten such delicious spaghetti. They’re so good. Should I hang out with that angry waiter instead of you so I’ll have them whenever I want?”

“I’ll surprise you”, Yuuri says with a confidence that amazes him in the first place. “I’m no less than this good in terms of cooking”. 

They end up with a full belly and the promise Yuuri will start taking care of his part of the agreement the next day. He still has no idea why he’s really accepted it – sure, it’ll help solving his problems for now but he has a feel it’ll just complicate everything more than he wishes – but he is already planning on what to do next to let his family know that he has, in fact, a boyfriend. And he’s doing perfectly fine. Not getting wasted and getting fake lovers at all. Very mature.

The next day, after Yuuri survives Phichit’s interrogatory and a long day at work, he grabs Vicchan’s leash and strides through their neighbourhood to reach Victor’s place. He lives fairly near to his apartment and, as Yuuri has found out today, he has messed-up timetables just like him. Dinner at 1 AM sounds extremely fine.

Yuuri is happily surprised to know Victor’s flat is at the last floor of his building and wonders if he has a penthouse but quickly tosses the thought away. That’s not possible; as if he knew the man for real. He and Vicchan settle in the lift with a tiny sigh. There is only a door waiting for him, already ajar. Victor smiles in all his beauty and Yuuri is quite flustered it doesn’t falter any bit the second time. He doesn’t have the time to say hello, a big poodle blocking his way in a jump and a happy bark. 

“That’s Makkachin, my dog. See, we’re really meant to be”. Victor winks.

*

_12.30 I forgot to ask, can I bring my poodle to your house? Will it be a problem? I always take her for a walk at this time of the night._

_12.33 No problem, Yuuri ;-) I actually really like dogs. Anything pup-like is adorable._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I definitely think Yuuri suits Mr. Darcy and Victor Elizabeth way more than the other way around. But let’s be realistic, they’re Jane & Mr. Bingley. I’m sorry for all the Pride and Prejudice inside jokes, I’ll stop. Phichit has a collection of romantic movies in his bedroom. The cheesier the better.


	4. Raw Red Tomatoes and Glittery Eyeliners

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta’d as usual but this chapter beats it all, written on my phone whenever I could while travelling.

Victor welcomes him with a quick hug Yuuri isn’t fast enough to skirt, long arms sneaking around his back for the brevity of a moment until Yuuri manages to escape in hasty clumsiness, and a rush of blood reaches his cheeks. Victor notices it in blatant delight, pleased by such tell-tale reactions and yet like an open book in his childish grins of success. Makkachin and Vicchan are clearly on the same page and bark joyfully, black eyes pointed on their owners as they circle them in happy bounces.

“You must get used to it if we are going to be boyfriends”, he teases before looking at Yuuri a second time, this one pouting. “Am I too touchy, Yuuri? I can’t help myself, I’ve always been the most open to people”.

Yuuri fakes surprise at that, ironic. “Oh really”, he deadpans through burning skin and the unsettling feel that this relationship will be harder than expected. It’s gonna require all of Yuuri’s. “I’m just… not that type of person”.

The silence after that statement could be awkward, could be full of possible misunderstandings and reasons for Yuuri to pretend he’s comfortable when he’s not, but Victor just laughs his charming heartfelt laugh that’s half a giggle and somehow Yuuri feels a bit more at ease. Notwithstanding the scary knowledge that he’s ten thousand feet away from Victor, a complete different planet, another species of man. That laugh makes it strangely ok.

He smiles. 

“So this is the _boyfriend_. Cute, extremely cute”, someone stops Yuuri from sinking forward into the haze of his mind. A man, leaning on the door frame just behind Victor, as tall as him yet bulkier than the latter. “I bet he’s delicious – with or without clothes”.

“Chris, don’t scare my Yuuri, he’s still too young for your wolf schemes”, Victor reprimands him with a pinch on his tanned cheek. _My_ Yuuri must get used to his manners before his heart pops into his throat and chokes him for good. Victor just talks for the sake of talking, that’s all. Very professional of him, to keep the act up even around his close friends.

“Hello, I’m Katsuki Yuuri, nice to meet you”. His dog barks again, making her presence noticed. “This is Vicchan, my poodle”.

“Truly meant to be, aren’t we?” Victor chirps and his friend stares at him in baffled disagreement.

“I thought it was _us_ to be just right for each other, no sex included”. 

“Oh, Chris, please, I won’t stop taking your precious pictures just because I’m with Yuuri now, that kind of friendship goes beyond anything else”, Victor sounds utterly sincere and as he keeps blabbering around Yuuri doesn’t strain himself to hear more, Chris going back to smiling at Victor and him just looking at those two… wonderful creatures.

Chris is handsome just as Victor, though in a completely different way. Victor could easily be an ice fairy, an ancient deity residing in the deep north, son of the snow and wind, while Chris is all about earthy charms. Green instead of blue eyes, like thick seas of grass and not high distant skies; sun-kissed skin where ghostly whiteness lives in the other; a certain sense of belonging to the people whilst Victor is walking a span above the crowd. And Yuuri can’t help but notice the strong sex appeal exuding by the man, not at all tampered by the line of glittery eyeliner on his eyelids or the faint shade of rouge lipstick on his lips. On the contrary, it somehow is strengthened by such small details, like he’s fully himself in that contradictory fashion of black clothes and tiny accessories, daring makeup and a faint stubble on his cheeks.

Yuuri realises he’s missed the whole convo between the two friends just when Chris turns to him and says something he doesn’t catch on at all. He asks him to repeat, and the man complies with a wink. “I was just saying, how rude of me, I didn’t tell you my name. I’m Christophe Giacometti. Chris by day, Meryl by night. I’m crashing at Victor’s place 24/7 so we’ll definitely meet again”.

Vicchan replies in his place, a louder territorial woof directed to Chris, and both Victor and Makkachin rush to soothe her with coaxing words and gentle brushes. Yuuri apologises for his dog, his eyes on Chris’s glamorous grin.

“You’ll get used to him too”, Victor whispers in his ear as he gently pulls him into his flat, their pets following suit without a sound. Chris closes the door behind them, and besides that Yuuri notices Vicchan nosing into Makkachin’s fur, friendly and unabashed. From what he can remember his dog has never been this amicable to any other of her kin, it could be almost called love at first sight. Yuuri seriously wonders if that’s even possible.

“Follow me”. Victor heads to the door at the opposite side of the long elegant hallway, and at that offered opportunity Chris wastes no time, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and squeezing, another wink directed to Yuuri as he speaks to him. “I’ve never thought I would see Victor bringing someone here, but he talks fantastically about you! He says you can cook” “Well, that’s my job…” “and you’re just the cutest thing he’s ever laid his eyes on” “I d-doubt that’s fairly true, he’s been jok-” “I just can’t imagine how you actually made him focus long enough to become your boyfriend, he’s such an airhead it can be a problem. I acknowledge your talent, holding his attention is not an easy task”.

Yuuri halts at that, his teeth naturally digging in his bottom lip as he reasons over what he said. He hasn’t done anything special – only mildly annoying and probably near to harassing, Phichit thinks – to Victor and yet here he is, incredibly walking into his flat. He is suddenly overwhelmed by the thought that this might end before it even started, brief as Victor’s attention span, and he’s amused by how that stirs something unexplainable inside him. _Competitiveness_ – to keep his faux-boyfriend being one. He better cook the best dinner to him, that’s for sure.

Chris walks into the next room with a low teasing hum and Yuuri finally follows him inside. The hallway turns in a big space – _this is a freaking penthouse, holy mother_ – a white room that stretches at every side in sight, enclosed in walls of glass. Yuuri just has to free himself from Chris’s grip at his arm to seize Victor in a corner. He blushes hardly, raising his eyes to meet Victor’s blue ones, and timidly ask what kind of work he does to afford such a thing like this. 

Victor seems puzzled by that question. He shrugs his shoulders and laughs without restrain. “Didn’t I tell you already? You forgot? I thought I made an impression on you yesterday, you hurt me terribly”. He clutches his chest in feigned pain. 

“Apparently it’s you who forgot”, Yuuri sounds childish in his reproach and can feel the blood spreading on his neck in a flush. “I don’t think a barista can afford a place like this, no matter how many shifts they cover”.

“Oh man, I knew something slipped off my mind. I’m genuinely the worst”, he says without any touch of sincerity, another big laugh on his lips, “I’m a ballet dancer, a famous one, dear Yuuri… that’s why I can own a place like this”.

“Show off”, Chris yells from the couch where he has lied down. 

Yuuri takes a mental note to google him later and just stares at him, an ounce of respect spreading through his heart. He doesn’t stop Victor from taking the bag in is hands and quietly follows him with his eyes as he brings it to the center of that huge room, where the cooking area is, and drops it on the long pinewood kitchen island. 

There is a flight of steps that must lead to his bedroom and two doors that open to other rooms on this floor, but for the rest Victor’s place is all one multifunctional space in white and light blues and pinewood. Victor moves through it with grace, like he’s born for it, for elegant minimal places with big windows overlooking the city, and a very large and furnished kitchen that is probably never been used.

Yuuri is clearly out of place, a stranger in a stranger’s home, but he doesn’t have the time to mull over it because Chris approaches him again. He wraps his limbs around him once more, his hand patting at his ass as he whispers in his ear. “Victor is not easy to win, so you better be a great cook”, he teases with a smug smile and then talks louder, for Victor to hear. “Don’t take this fool seriously, Yuuri, he looks like a great bachelor everyone would want to marry, but he’s just a kid. I gotta go now, Victor mon chéri, work awaits”. 

“Go, go, and never come back again!”, he weaves carelessly, another pout on his lips. “And you come, Yuuri, I have something for you”.

While Chris zips his feathery pink jacket and flies a kiss to Yuuri, he goes past him and the poodles cuddled on the couch and straight to the kitchen island where his bag of food is placed and Victor is now fumbling with its drawers, probably looking for cutlery of some sort. 

“It’s so late, I should get started”, Yuuri fishes inside the bag and starts laying down every ingredient on the counter. He has brought some bread they won’t use in the restaurant and fresh tomatoes and extra-virgin olive oil, as well as some other stuff he’ll need for the main course. “The key to good food is what you use to make it”. 

“Before that, turn around. I have your surprise, close your eyes”, Victor talks in such a way that’s impossible to say no and, even if Yuuri is entirely reticent about it, he does as he wants just to hurry up. Victor comes suddenly closer, his hands fluttering around his waist and neck, and Yuuri can’t help blushing again, hurdling away from his touch. He turns to find an apron in his hands, a pattern of poodles dotting the fabric. “It’s yours to use”. 

He smiles, again, at Victor. 

 

“So that’s my entrée? Doesn’t seem hard to make”, Victor blurts out in the middle of the food preparation, blatantly honest. Yuuri is toasting some bread – later he’ll spread cut garlic onto its crumbly surface to flavor it, adding a thin film of oil and then crowing it with chops of fresh tomato and few slices of basil – and doesn’t lift his head as he speaks. “Then you should try making it”.

“No way, I burnt an egg the other day. Ruined a pan. I live on takeaways, seriously, my life depends on you”. He jokes and chuckles and sounds too pleased for being someone who burnt a pan just the other day. Yuuri shakes his head at that.

He’s tired after the hours of work but it doesn’t feel like that when there is someone focusing entirely on him, despite the fact that Yuuri is concerned about the results. He has confidence in his cooking, that’s true, but this time he wants to impress. He knows he is no fun as he focuses on what he’s doing, brows furrowed and hands quick and expert, his whole body tense as he cooks, but he can’t entertain Victor’s curiosity right now. 

“You can be quite meticulous… after last night I thought you were the loud crazy type”.

“Ah-a”, Yuuri almost cuts his finger in surprise, “that was the alcohol. I’m… totally a normal person, you know”. He raises his eyes to meet a goofy grin on Victor’s face and giggles in choked nervousness.

“You can calm down, Yuuri, I don’t want to eat a blood-flavored bruschetta, that’s for vampires”. 

“You wouldn’t be able to eat it, with all this garlic”, he whispers despite the embarrassed blush, more to himself than Victor, but he must catch up because he burst into laughter.

“Then show me your best! I’ll be the best boyfriend to you, your mother will want us to marry within a month”.

“Gosh, she’s not that bad”. Nothing compares to Mrs. Bennet, to be honest. The smile on Victor’s face gives in that he heard his mumbling once again. “But that’s what we agreed on, so you should keep your promise just like I’ll keep mine”.

Yuuri focuses back on the food, this time way less tense than before, a thin proud smile curling his lips as he stirs the sauce for the pasta he’s making and finishes the bruschette with a last pepper of basil. Everything is strangely quiet, a soft snore coming from the couches where the dogs have fallen asleep, Victor now silent even if Yuuri can feel the cheerful aura around him. He finds himself liking it, liking the vibe there is in that penthouse, or maybe the weirdly domesticity of them in that kitchen and their dogs getting along so easily. He’s truly enjoying himself, the anxiety of making a mistake now pushed away by that welcoming atmosphere. 

“You look fantastic, by the way…”,Victor says after a while, spreading on the kitchen island with his long limbs, a yawn stuck in his mouth as he curls over himself and looks at Yuuri through his bangs. “I had no idea a cook could be this… enchanting. I can't take my eyes off of you”, he stops himself from saying something else and settles into another smile. 

Yuuri is red just like the tomatoes they’re going to eat and stumbles, almost dropping the pan in his hand and his whole self on the kitchen’s tiles. “Y-you... you... thank you, I guess”.

 

After a messy first meal – Victor moves way too much when he eats and Yuuri sees tomatoes flying down in the plate as he shakes in delighted satisfaction – laced with laughter and praises by Victor and a lot of Yuuri trying to not seem to awkward in his presence (and enjoying himself, he must say), follow not enough hours of sleep. Yuuri googles Victor and finds he’s quite a celebrity, loved by so many people outside the usual ballet clique that he has been featured on many fashion mags – and yes, Yuuri definitely lives under a rock. 

That’s followed by a long time spent on Youtube, watching his clips with tears in his eyes. Gosh, Victor is _amazing_. He dances with a grace and beauty that’s surely not human, able to move anyone’s heart with the elegant curve of his body, and he never fails to surprise the audience with his performances. Once again, he’s the kind of amazing that definitely doesn’t date a Katsuki Yuuri, he’s sure of it even more now. He’ll have to do his best to make it believable even to himself, never mind his mother. 

It feels so unreal that Yuuri goes back to the contact list and founds him – hotbot gets changed to a simpler Victor – and then it’s even harder to picture it. He doesn’t want his anxiety to talk in his stead, but it’s really difficult to make it stay quiet especially when he’s so sleep-deprived and tired.

So he seeks for his confidante. Everyone would think Phichit knows all about him, but there is someone who can listen to all his complaints and worries and cheer him up like no one else, and that’s Minako senpai. She’s always been present in his life, egging at him whenever he gained too much weight and pushing him to exercise and run to lose the extra chubbiness, and even more when he needed some inspirational talk – Yuuri always ended up ignoring her advices, too stubborn and stuck in his own beliefs to truly listen to others, but her words still counted like no one else’s. 

“Minako senpai”, he whines with his face buried in his hands. “He’s just so… so amazingly explosive, and I’m just the usual Yuuri, I have no idea how I made him agree to my idea, not even in my wildest dreams. Why did he even come to lunch with me?”

She perks up at his words, suddenly interested. “He? Lunch? How? When? Kiddo, states the facts”.

“My… my boyfriend”, Yuuri feels bad because he knows that if he’ll talk to her she will end up hinting something to his mother, just for the friendship they have since middle school more than for betraying Yuuri’s trust. And this will start a cascade of events he probably can’t foretell although he wants them to happen. He shrugs. 

“YOUR BOYFRIEND?” she shrieks with a strength Yuuri didn’t imagine possible. He sees fire in her eyes and shifts backward, but Minako is faster and grabs him by his shirt. “Tell me everything, now”.

“It’s nothing special, I still have no idea how it happened to be honest”, half a lie, really. “He’s just so amazing. And I’m so… not”. 

“Child, please, we’re not here for the odd masochist pleasure of commiserating oneself. You know you’re perfectly worthy of happiness like anyone else and just because you might be a little uncomfortable around others or worry too much about certain things, and that could interfere with a part of your life, that doesn’t mean you can’t have love". 

She’s hopeless, as usual, always talking without even considering his case. Yuuri shoves his phone to her face and she literally yells at the tab open on Victor’s pictures on Google. “Yes, he’s that good”.

“First of all, Katsuki Yuuri, you’re not going to get your anxiety between you and this… god. Get your shit together, this is a lifetime occasion. You’re just going to accept his love, if he wants to have lunch you’ll have lunch, if he wants to be your boyfriend you’ll just be his boyfriend, I don’t accept no as an answer”.

“What if he was an asshole, senpai? Don’t tell me you believe in the fairytale of people being able to change those they love”. 

“You should dump him then, but I guess you should try the sex first”, she stares at a half-naked Victor smiling right at her through the screen. “Could be majestically exceptional”. 

Yuuri ughs at her, unable to fight this woman. She’s invincible. “I have never dated”, he blurts out and it somehow hurts the small narrow part of him that had some expectations about it, albeit not admitting it. “There must be a reason, I might not be _made_ to have a relationship, you know”.

“Bullshit”, Minako senpai sounds conclusive and Yuuri just sags into himself, a sigh leaving his mouth. Curled on the chair of her studio, he catches himself worrying about it as if it is real – as if he really has to bother thinking of what Victor might find interesting in him, or the reason why he accepted this deal so easily – and he’s sure something is missing. Maybe something he did when he was drunk, maybe something Yuuri can’t just see in himself (that wouldn’t be a first). 

He just has to stop thinking about it, because it’s not important at all. What matters is that he has something he can show to his family – a relationship that is making him happy – and that shouldn’t be a source of ulterior stress. He shouldn’t care. He should just enjoy it – he thinks of Makkachin’s figure embracing the smaller one, Vicchan nuzzling at his chest, and Victor cooing at it, and he smiles again. He wants to keep liking it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Chris with all my heart, my homie. And Minako. How to not love these crazy wild sexy characters.  
> P.S: as tagged, Chris is a drag queen (!!! haha this is wild in my mind but he'd look great) but that's unrelated to the fact he wears makeup outside of working hours! He's the cutest bab  
> P.P.S: Victor's character is inspired to Roberto Bolle, partially.


End file.
